How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
that's an acceptable place to lick
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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