i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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