The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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