forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
