New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
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