What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
We had to coat check the pizza.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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