i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
