The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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