I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
