ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
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