I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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