New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
