Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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