It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
