Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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