I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
