My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
What changed your mind?
Being sober
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
