Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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