She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
