my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Randomize
