i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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