someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
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