So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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