I want to walk on stilts...naked
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
this beer tastes like vomit already
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I will pee on everything he values.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
