God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Randomize
