I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
my liver is dry heaving
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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