My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Randomize
