I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
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