I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
