I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
