both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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