its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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