Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
