the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
