I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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