Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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