I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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