I could make wine with my vomit
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
