Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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