My sheets look like a crime scene.
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
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