I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
