I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
being pregnant is like rehab
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
