Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
