i can't believe i had my finger in that
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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