If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
