I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
