Kiss
Puke
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
