So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
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