Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I just had sex on a roof
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
