I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
