I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
