Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
sick fucks of a feather flock together
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
