My cat gives me a boner
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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