Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Randomize
