I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
