FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
