u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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