he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize