i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
